JFungus' Journal

Comfortability
I think I finally realized what I want out of life... to be comfortable...

After I made this last change... my new job... ive been soo uncomfortable its not even funny... I just feel off... not stable and never at ease.... when i was at my old job i was comfortable... i knew what was going on and nothing really surprised me...

i dont think ill ever get comfortable here... just because of the way the job is... and my mindset... dunno... but its time to ride the wave for a bit...

as for comfortability in other parts of my life... well... it just goes and goes for now..

nothing new and old... but still... it just keep going...

will the hamster wheel never stop?

laterz

Heh... Life is strange isnt it?
Hello all... Its been a while... but its time that I updated... not so much that I want to update its more that I got too much on my mind that I want to just expell...

Well Im at the new job... and after this week... i dont know if its for me or what I want... Before the job I always thought it was kool to work for these big huge companies with their huge azz networks and computer systems... But getting here now... I dont think its for me...

The pressure/stress of keeping something of this size and magnitude up 24/7 is something I dont know if its what I want to do anymore... Theres no breaks.. it just keeps going... and a lot of the pressure and stress though self inflicted... (im a worry wart at times...) I just dont know if i want to continue it... or handle it...

I thought this is what I wanted to do... but I think I need something much smaller and a lot less dependant on being up 24/7 365 days a year... just too much and I havent learned to let things go... i dont know if I will ever be able too...

Maybe its time just to browse around and see if there is a smaller company that needs a pretty good administrator... not gonna quit... but if something comes up I wouldnt mind thinking about it...

another thing I looked at is maybe becoming a teacher... maybe the stress related to that would be much better for me.. something I can handle... ive always thought of myself as a teacher... heh as they say those who cant do... teach... that would be me... lol...

i dunno those are options.. but I do have to think about stuff... it might get better... i just dont see how it can... i just am not made out for this type of environment... but u know I am glad that I had the chance to find out that I was not...

as for my love life.. heh.. nuff said... ok all till next time laterz

Hello again.....
Hello all... I hope you all have a great new year.... I hope you are healthy and all the good stuff... well lets just say my new year has been eventful and will be some more.... ok here we go on a rundown for stuff since last update...

health... same old same old... nothing new nothing old... :)

love... same old same old... still status quo for right now...

work... weeeeeell heres a doozy... soo quick rundown/background... my dept consists of 4 ppl. my supervisor, me and 2 other ppl. lets just say my supervisor doesnt play well with ppl at times... MOST of the time... well it finally got him in trouble... and he was let go on the FIRST DAY of the new year... at teh same time one other person in my group was about to go on maternity leave.... sooo that leaves me and a guy who cant fix an unplugged keyboard.

but in dec of last year i had an interview for an engineering position... somewhere else... i didnt hear from them sooo i thought they didnt want me... but lo and behold they offered me the position this week... which i just accepted today... sooo i gotta give two weeks to this place soon...

but of course not knowing all this 2 weeks ago... I gave the resume of my brother and my friend to INTERVIEW for an open position here.... siiiigh.... their interview is tom. and of course i gotta give my two weeks today... ooops.

i personally feel horrible leaving this place in a lurch like this... but... its too good of a position/opportunity to let go.. the money is a bit better and the benefits are a little better too... sooo... im gonna be an azz... but sometimes u gotta look out for numero uno... i havent done that a lot since ive been here... its time for me to start... i think... sooo why do i feel like a HUGE azz... sigh...

though i am very exciting at the new opportunity.... network engineering... the stuff i would learn and do.... sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.... well i guess ill tell them soon... god i hope he doesnt get angry.... but no matter... not much i can do now...

well i hope your new years wasnt as eventful... hope you all are great.. drop me a line...

laterz

immmm baaaack!!!!
Hello all...

yes yes yes i am posting and yes i know its been a while.. a loooong while... but im back.. and heres yet another indepth look at what i call a life... trust me its not pretty... but still... its my life...

first things first... dialysis is going better... not perfect but doable most of the time... every tues,thurs and sat i lose about 5 hours sitting in a chair.. doing nothing but stare blankly at a tv or watch as the ticks of the clock drags on... but overall it isnt horrible... if i manage to get a new laptop things would go faster... but overall i am healthier.. feel better... except for constant gout attacks... but eehh u cant have everything right?

work.. i need a new job... help anyone out there knowing any company that is hiring... i wouldnt mind trying out.. i need a new job.. i need out of mines.. i can deal.. but they are driving me up the wall... im very good with computers... heeeelp... but other than that its status quo here...

life.. life is boring, monotonous and boring.... im PISSED the STILL havent released the "Davinci Code" in paperback.. what they waiting for... the movie to come out.. cooome on ppl... kinda want to see the brothers grimm... saw the fantastic four... eehh movie... but if your a comic geek avoid it... u will be pissed at what they did with doom...

love... hmm now heres a hard thing to narrow down... i am in a psuedo relationship... its what many men would call the best type of relationship... a "friend" with perks... but for some reason.. i feel the urge... or the calling to have a real relationship.. someone that can be there for me... someone i can call and talk to anytime not only when someone is not home.. someone i can walk down the street with.. without fear of getting caught.. i dunno... what i want... but then again i dont know what i have either... plus.. being on dialysis gives me MUUUUCH more time to meet women...

sigh...

calgone take me away

laterz

i hate life... and someone REALLY hates me...
Hello all...

has it been that long since the last update... well.. theres been a lot that has been going on... and most of it.. not good...

so the quick version is this... after getting dialysized for two days... i felt pretty good actually... for those who dont know dialysis is a process of cleaning the blood and removing excess water in your system. apparently kidney failure means NO urine output... and excess water screws up the balance of pressure in your system... which dialysis helps correct...

so after surviving the second day of dialysis.. (the ride home was fun *sarcasm*) the ppl at the center was like u need someone to look at the access.. cuz making your arm into a pincushion each time isnt fun... literally they stuck me like 5 times each to find the right veins and arteries...

so i stopped dialysis and waited for depts. to bounce me around like ping pong balls.. until one of them agreed to see me... after going through the outpatient procedure... (lots of fun...) all i get is im sorry something is screwed up... please call your surgeon... sigh...

so now i have an appointment next tuesday for my surgeon to either say... let me cut u up again and see what i screwed up... oooor we gotta put this ugly azz thing on some part of your body and u have to look like a mutant from now on.... sigh such a day to look forward to...

now for everything else... work is there... nothing special... girl.. is status quo.. meaning still a f***ed up situation... but bearable MOST of the time.. though i should just get out... but i dont feel like trying anymore.. and i like someone to be there.. when i have a rough day... selfish yes.. but maybe its time for me to try selfishness for once...

sigh

laterz

the time has come....
Hello all... yes i am back with wonderful news of how badly my life is going.. :) not really... things have been pretty bleh for the past couple of weeks... though I did finally go see my doc and we finally have a date set up for the start of my prison sentence.... thats right... april 26th would be the first day of the rest of my life... thats when i get to sit in a chair 3 times a week.. geting jabbed and all that stuff.

Part of me is looking forward to this... i have been feeling pretty crappy as of late... and lets not even talk about energy... sheesh talk about power outage... so hopefully this will return me to some semblance of the insanty i know and love.. who knows... but... the day has come... time to face the music...

as for the other parts of my life... its all still status quo... nothing has changed.. nothing really has moved either... no resolutions.. just more of the same... good or not.. who knows... sigh

wish me luck all...

laterz

update
soooo... life is going... nothing new nothing old.. im having a blast with this lady friend of mines... im slowly not worrying so much anymore... Ill push every so often to find out more info but now.. its more to get a reaction or something... to start a series of grabbing and groping.. more that trying to figure it out... :p i dunno.. i guess i mellowed out on the whole.. gotta know thing.. for now.. which is good cuz it allows me to enjoy what I am doing... good or bad... :)

well the other day we went to see the pacifier... its her wet dream or something... i dont understand it.. bald, muscular.. husky voice... yeah but he STILL cant act... :p and im (hoping) MUCH wittier than he is... what could she see in him and drool about... it wasnt a horrible movie... just standard fare disney movie... cute kids, nice lady.. bleh storyline.. nothing new... but she wanted to see it so i took her.. what I do for this girl... :p

oh a high note i went to see Robots with the boyz... now that was a fun nite out...great movie robots.. robin williams was MADE for animations... then a nice chat/late dinner at the diner... and on the way back someone imitating a character from the movie... a scene even.. (AUNTIE FAAAANNNNYYY!!!!) made it a great great nite... i had a blast with my boyz...

thats it for now..

laterz

You know you cant win....
Well its been a couple of weeks since my entrance into unknown territory... unknown for me anyways... :) i guess its going ok... I still dont know her intentions are or what she wants... Is she genuinely interested in me... I dont know... maybe im just being paranoid... untrusting.. or overprotective of myself... dunno... one thing i do know... im getting more and more confused as to what I want out of this...

Going in I thought this will be a kool fun little diversion in my life.. make me feel better before my life comes to a crashing halt due to the introduction of many needles to my body... anyways... its hasnt been that... i dont know what its become.. in my head... i keep fighting it.. trying not to allow it to turn into something I care about or think about... but yet... i find that I do that... or beginning to... and thats not cool..

I dont know what I want... i dont know if this is just attaching itself to something because something is there... cuz its been empty for so long? Is it just something I do? Does she even want this? is this a joke for her? Why the hell cant I just enjoy the ride... this is sooo freakin annoying.. this thinking crap... tired of it... y cant i just roll with anything.. everything...

sigh... and of course in april... i think ill be starting the next phase of my treatment... the FUN phase... hurray for me... just in time for the summer... greeeeaaat!!

laterz

Is it time?
For those who know me a long time and those who dont... normally come to one conclusion... im safe... im not threatening and well.. i wouldnt do anything bad... intentionally... i think most ppl would agree on that statement... not to prop myself up or anything but its true.... no matter how much i dont want it to be... i am the safe guy.. boring... steady... blah blah... u know... no risks... chances...

Is it time that i try something against the norm? You only live once right? what would it hurt...not me... im TECHNICALLY not doing anything wrong.... im not forcing anyone into it either.... it is her decision to do it... right? i cant do it for her.... she choose it... not me...

I mean we both would be satisfied out of the relationship and... no one would get hurt.... right? i dunno... do i care? should i care... why care? i dont know the other person... but whats the rule.. do onto others as you would like it done on you.... or something like that... :p

arghhhh!!!! why is this morality play ALWAYS playing out in MY life!!!!! Like i DONT have enough to deal with? come on.. someone cut me some slack...

But leaning to be bad... could be just hormones talking... thinking with the wrong head... wouldnt be the first time.. or last... does it make me bad? and do i care?

laterz

why cant one just be content....
Hello all....

Guess most of you are wondering how the date went... :) well probably not.. but im gonna spill it anyways... the first date went well... we met in the city and went to unos... had a nice dinner with lot of good chatting... then we went to see "Constantine" which was surprisingly a tight and well written comic book movie.. AND i saw the promo for Batman... sweeet... :) Anyways we had a wonderful time on fri and i didnt get her home till about 1230am or soo... when i got home we chatted on the phone till about 4am or soo...

somehow she found out my bday was sat. so she made plans with me to go out that day also... we went to the city had a nice dinner missed a comedy show.. sat in figuero's for another couple of hours chatting... and then headed back to my place.. got there.. helped her ripped a cd's that she needed to rip and put them on a mp3 player she just got. showed her how to use it and well.. basically after that just chatted in my room till daybreak... which was only a couple of hours away by the time we got back to my place.

now my thing is twofold... 1. i dont know how she will react when i let her in on my little secret.. yes we havent or i havent told her that yet... im really scared of that.. 2. i still cant get a grip on what she thinks about me.. i dont see her except last weekend.. cuz of the way she runs her life on the weekdays.. and how my schedule works out on weekdays... really dont get to talk to her also cuz of work and other things... i know i have a great time with her.. but i dont know if she does with me.. also im afraid im boring her.. im a good conversationalist... but NOT a good conversation STARTER... dunno...

another thing is that i dont want this to be something that im doing to "fill" the hole emotionally... dont want to get sucked too deep too soon... just because its there... dunno too many questions and not enough answers... maybe i shouldnt be looking for answers and enjoy the ride more?

sigh
laterz

oh my has it been that long?!?
I dont know if this can be called a journal at the rate I update this damn thing... :) well I guess its time for a brand spanking new one... wahooo.... I guess things have been going on in my life... both good and bad.. yes i did say good... soo here goes... follow me down the gray bricked road... ;)

well i guess first things first... my condition... as usual it has deteriorated some more... and as usual im ignoring it... well the fact is... that the numbers docs use to determine dialysis... is under 15... well my count is 16... and of course i havent checked since that time... soooo... :p anyways... i am gonna go soon... and well... there goes 3 days of my life... EVERY freakin week... sigh but i knew that already... i have been seeing signs of uric acid poisoning.. or something like that... nothing big just signs... hands starting to hurt... tired... wanting to throw up... yeah.. but its not afffecting me too much yet... ;)

on a brighter side i have told myself that I will try to get myself out there on the dating scene.. and i have... i joined and paid for lavalife... as usual... no replies... but then i did get one... and we have been talking.. kinda weird but we have been talking.. she calls me everyday... i cant seem to get a read on what she thinks of me... but i have a good time to talk to her... i also sent her a pic of me and she wasnt repulsed by it.. yet... soo i guess thats a good thing... i havent seen her yet except for a blurry drivers pic..

I have so many things going through my head about this.. i mean its good it gets my mind of the more important issues... :p but still.. i think we might be too different for things to work... or it might work out.. i really dont care... which is good for me... cuz well... I wont get too hurt if it doesnt work out... whatever... :) i should see her tom or sat.

I have tix to see Wicked... THANX K... cant wait... wahooo... i think thats really the only news for me... work still suckz azz... life.. is bleh besides the above mentioned things... i guess part of me might be looking forward to this dialysis.. i guess this will be evidence for me... that Im an sick, really truly sick... dont get me wrong im scared shitless of going to this center and dealing with it every three days... but... i mean im healthy for the most part.. externally.. to people out there.. except most think im a slow big azz lazy chinese guy... cuz well.. im tired.. i hurt and i cant really exert myself like i used to... i dont feel like explaining but still... having this might make me feel better... internally.. mentally... not guilty... towards ppl that know and ppl that dont... dunno... sigh...

laterz

take my breath away...
So today I was walking down the block to get a hotdog after seeing my doctor... and as i was buying the dog... i saw the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet today... i mean this girl was sooo pretty I had to remember to breathe again.. i literally lost my breathe... I kinda remember having to shut my mouth after seeing this girl... so theres a good sight for ya... me holding a hotdog, staring open mouthed at this pretty pretty girl coming down the block... i make great first impressions...

anyways... i just had to share that little experience... i think she works at the hospital since she was wearing surgical scrubs... but no id card so i couldnt figure out what she did... of course i neve went for it but man.. i would have looked even more stupid babbling to her... hopefully i get to see her again...

wish us luck tom. we going to this lavalife thing... hopefully we will all meet someone nice...

laterz

Tis the season to.....
Well the prerequisite weeks have passed since my last post and its time for me to post again... well there has things thats been going on and things that havent... i guess its true what they say the more things change the more things stay the same...

Firstly it is cold in NYC... I mean sneeze and the boogers freeze off your face cold.... but its also been fluctuating with psuedo warmness too... its this kinda weather dyslexia that makes NYC fun... U never know what you are gonna get everyday...

Ive been stuck in FW hell at work... basically everyone and their mother had to spend all the money for this past year or they lose it... sooooo everybody bought some new toys to be installed into the system... and the people stuck with this task... the already overworked IS dept. sigh gotta love the season of giving....

Now onto the meat of this tale of woe... my life... health... i have been avoiding.. going low under the radar till the new year hits... meaning i haven seen any docs or had any checkups since.. nov? or late oct... eeh something like that... ive been doing ok for the most part... feelign worn out and run down but thats to be expect.. not really sick sick... soooo its take day by day right now.... i know once the new year rolls around ill be tested out of the yin yang... but oh well... its getting there.. its can feel it...

personally... well thats been a huge mess... i guess... still a mess... i did find out my ex is getting married to her current bf and.. well... umm dunno... i was.. am... still kinda reeling from that statement... kinda weird mixed feeling for this right now... dont know how to feel about it... happy,,sad,anger, disappointment... all of them and more? dunno.... weird yes...

as for moving on.. well.. thats a different story... i still freeze up at the THOUGHT of talking to a girl I am even SLIGHTLY interested in... sigh.. i guess i had one setup this past weekend... lets just say it didnt go too well... somehow i do muuuch better on a game talking to people than in real life... how is that even humanly possible...

well thats it for now... ok everyone get ready to fire away on me.. laterz

The cooooooold winters nite....
Well its officially the blustery season in NYC... damn its cold... and its colder still with no heat in the apt. Please fix the boiler sooon... but till then bundle up... :)

I guess there are a few things to put down here... firstly.. this past weekend I went to a great party out in the burbs.... to celebrate someones new place.. that place was sweeeeet... big and nicely decorated.... it was a kool gathering.. and man did i learn a few things...

1. never let Big Ray eat in a closed room unless that room is well ventilated... and i mean WELL ventilated... whew....
2. drawing a penis, helps people guess the word "kilt"... NOT!
3. NEVER EVER watch the godfather 1 - 69 with either Big Ray or Guzzie unless you want the cliffnotes of whats gonna happen in the movie five minutes before it gets to that part...
4. I really dont know what the action for changing a diaper is... nor how to hum "50 ways to leave your lover" by paul simon... anyone out there even heard of that song?
5. Im really glad no one had a camcorder for our game of cranium... ;)
finally... a timer/selection device is a hard thing to use.... especially when pepople say "hold the button down for a minute" and you all hear/do "quickly tap the button and let go"....

Overall it was a blast and im glad i got my azz out of my house and more importantly out of the game to go to this... the game im talking about is my new addiction... u knew it had to happen.... Worlds of Warcraft... yup I got it and im hooked... its a great game and theres soooo much crap to do.. its incredible... right now im kinda stuck at lvl 12 but im getting there... i guess this is a good this thing.... this keeps my mind of many many different things... that I always try to keep from thinking about anyways...

one of them especially with the holidays around this time... is of course the whole signifcant other situation.. i mean it has been a while.. and i mean a long while since I even remotely TRIED talking to a woman.... its pretty sad.. i guess that also attributes to me thinking about the ex... and confusing the situation even more... but still even then... theres like nothing on the horizon... i mean empty... more barren than siberia on a bad nite... but of course a lot of it is me... but still... sigh...

yes one thing i havent mentioned is the whole dialysis thing... cuz im avoiding/ignoring it for now... the reasn being is im feeling relatively healthy and nothing really hurts or anything... sooo.. i wont get nothing check till next yet.. probably sometime in jan. I have my final interview for the transplant list this week.. and then.. i hopefully get on that list... then its off to jersey to get on their list... and then its waiting...

so thats it.. thats my life so far in a nutshell.... not much right? maybe next time.... maybe next time... :)

laterz

goooood i am hating life right about now... ive been stuck here at work on a sat for about 8 hours now... and looks like ill be stuck here again on sun for even LONGER. working with what seems to be and feel like 2 COMPLETE amateurs on a firewall that should have been installed THREE FREAKIN WEEKS AGO!!

now i gotta get my azz up on sun morning to be here at 9am just to sit for these CISSP people... yeah ok... instead of my VIP calling in the group both me and my supervisor think would have it done already.... he is STILL sticking with these people... for what is beyond me... since no one is on aim that i know.. im whining on this... sigh this blows

laterz

yeah life has gotten MUCH better... :p

a fleeting moment....
Well once again it is time to update.... this is actually the second shot at updating this page... the first time kinda crashed and burned... really no direction.. just rambling that felt repetive... so i deleted and waiting... and here we are again... :)

firstly my last couple of weeks has been crap and a half at work.... hired a fly by nite crew(translation inept) (IMHO) to install and new firewall... that was 3 weeks ago... they just took the firewall to figure out where the issue was... cuz its still not working... and 2 nites of 4 hour OT down the drain... sigh.. and they never return my calls... grrrrr....

had fun at a GREAT halloween party thrown by a friend of N. it was kool... i went with the less is more look... basically i got lazy and threw on a afro... yeah yeah its the thought that counts... right?

the other nite N. went up to some lady that was waiting a loooong time for the bus and offered her a ride.... now i thought took a lot of guts... he tried... he put himself out there... and i give him mad props for doing it... even if it did result in a no reply... it was 50 - 50.... then i thought of me... its weird... there are times where ill tell myself ill do this or that... and be very VERY confident about it... only to bail or totally not do anything when the time comes... i mean the perfect example with this party... i told myself that ill talk to some people i didnt know... try to hit on some girls... anything... so what happens... i spend the whole nite in a corner talking to a group of people i knew pretty well... didnt even try to go outside the circle... even after seeing this really nice girl... an angel too... ;)

sigh...i do this all time... sometimes im alone trying to sleep and i go through scenerios of this and that with people... but to never do anything... i ALWAYS think about going to bar a with N and K and just picking up some women there... HA i think i always ending up with one drink and just hugging the wall all nite.... its really sad... depressing... i guess this is what they mean by men of actions and men of reaction... im pretty sure im the latter.... either by choice or fear... fear of rejection? i dont handle rejection well... hahah i dont know anythign about rejection cuz i neevr put myself out there to find out... defense mechanism.... works for me i guess...

laterz

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: andy lau best of album

dealing....
hello all... my goodness what the heck is wrong you ask... im updating TWICE in a month.... :) cut me some slack... i have a bit of a down period and just trying to fill the gap until the work pours in. :)

this post will be very enlightening to me and to those who read it i think... but mostly i think its for me to have it out in the open... maybe even work it out... or just feel better about it... whatever

last week i went to see the people at the tranplant center and had a bunch of tests done. one of them was seeing and talking to a social worker. basically her job is to make sure i know my issues and my resposibilities if this goes through... cuz it takes a lot of work after the tranplant. moreso than before. anyways during this interview something happened that took even me by surprise.

my mom has this disease and a lot of this i went through with her... so its second nature to me... but after convincing this lady ill be a good candidate for the procedure.... something came out.... i guess it was anger, pissyness, nonchalantness and or defeat.... it was something... i heard it and obviously the social worker heard it too.. cuz she was getting up to leave but after that... sat the heck back down and started drilling me... carefully of course but drilling nonetheless... anyways after recovering from the shock of my stupidity and the sudden feelings that popped up... i said all the right things and made he feel better... but still this nagged me in the back of my head...

i guess i havent dealt with this as well as i thought i have been... look i know i hide a lot more... less active.... feeling sorry for myself... but i dont know... i thought i was done with this... i have accepted it.. or so i thought... but that reaction.. those feelings... not good... i dont know why. i cant or dont want to feel sorry for myself... i mean i know ppl are worse off than me... some of them missing limbs or what not... i mean i look healthy... i just aint... i dont know what i want. i dont know how i feel... i dont want this to be the reason i dont do this or that... i dont want to feel sorry for myself... i really dont... i just dont know how to react... how to deal.. still...

lets just say this isnt the only issue i am not dealing with well... but ill just make this one prominent for now. considering the other one... well.. the other one is all me... with no other outside influence... i dont know... am i being too much of a baby about this... thats what i dont want to come off as but yet somehow i feel like i am. i dunno... this is where im at right now... any comments or suggestions.. hit me now. :)

laterz

Current Mood: confused

update and rantings
hello all its time again for updating this page that entails the current wonderment called my life... yeah yeah its not much but its what i have... :) so sit back relax and lets go on a journey...

its been a while since the last update and things have been relatively hectic.... firstly i have started on the journey of looking for a kidney transplant and well.. lets just say its tests and tests and more tests... next is trying to join other lists on other states... so its been a lot of running around scanning and running back to work... all to wait an average about 7 YEARS for a new kidney... of course to make it even better my blood type is the rarer one in the world... sigh... so much fun...

soo i dont know what to do about that but to wait i guess... next is that i started to play some more vball... actually i starting playing vball again... protecting the fistula... being leery of hitting balls and where on my arm... but its good to go out and see some of my old friends... and realize how much worse i have gotten.... and then the pain my body experienced after the game... oh goodness.... how sore could one person get....

this past weekend a friend of mine got married and I was invited to the wedding.. I had a blast and it was good to hang out with a group of people again... i guess i realized after this thing happened i holed up a lot and well... lost connections with a good group of friends... not that they dont like me its just seems that theres a lot more distance than before... i guess im not so happy about that.. i have a couple of great friends that i have and they are aware of everything... and i like that but that number seem to shrink not expand... and i dont know if i like that... thats why i am back at vball.. i wanna get back out again.. live life... but is this a case of too late, too little? oh well... it would be nice... to get back to way things were... but we cant turn back the hands of time...

speaking of the wedding.. it was nice and plenty of attrative womenfolk there... of course me being the chicken-azz that i am... i didnt approach any one of them... sigh... and note to self... this chinaman can NOT dance.. booooy... was it bad.. but man i had soo much fun... :) it was wonderful though... really was pretty.... i guess thats all the points in my life good enough to share... well hope all goes well for everyone... laterz

hmmm...
you know the only good thing about wasting your weekend on doing ABSOLUTELY nothing is that you do a lot of thinking in the downtimes... :) which is not neccessarily a good thing... i guess i had a very very introspective weekend... (code word for lazy.)

the one thing i realized is that i dont have a goal in life anymore... i dont know if people that read this have goals or feel like this but I hope this make sense.... when i was theater i wanted to make it... work on shows, concerts, tv whatever... just wanted to work... maybe even run a theater or something... but... it didnt happen... things change so i roll with the punch... next comes pc and well.. i wanted to get a job and maybe some certs... work on projects... got one cert and got the job... so now what... i work enough on projects... but theres nothing to look forward too... im kinda stuck... i mean for some its getting a wife and kids... for others its more money or more titles or certs... i mean its kool to have them and i want them.. but i dont WANT them.. u know? sigh....

another issue is that.. well i have no one to strive to be... when i was elsewhere or in school there always someone above me or with me that made me want to be like them... that made me push to know more or work so i can be successful like that person... thats always been there... but now i seem to have lost that... i dont have anything like that now... so im slacking... or i feel like im slacking... im not a leader or better yet a go getter... i can lead but only if i have a goal or a clear target to get it done... flexibility for me cuz me to not care... as much... im like a compass at the one of the poles. spinning around with no direction....

or maybe this is just another excuse for my failures in life... yet another whitewash... sheesh maybe i should run for presidency... :) ok now that i made myself sounds REALLY bad time for me to sign off... drop a line if you wish...

laterz

Current Mood: disappointed

just a rant...
today is a relatively slow day at work so im just gonna rant on some things thats been percolating in the massive melon I have on top of my shoulders... trust me its massive... and thats not a good thing... ive got charlie brown head massive. :) and i aint that smart... what a jip.

First the freakin yanks are pissing me off... not because of the fact that they lost a 10 and half game lead to the bosox in about a month... that happens.. slumps.. pitchings issues... whatever... its the fact that their panicking and how they are reminding me of the 80's with the bronx zoo... too much offense and not enough pitching... older broke down players that are way past prime... NO FREAKIN farm system. money wins pennants... uhh nope not then and definitely not now... the yanks are soo freakin uptight.. everyone is tense and well... pressing... but look at a red sox game and you see them joking, dancing and being what the yanks were like the last 6 years... no drama at all... sigh... not a good sign for yankees fans...

second... ok the democrats have to figure out a gameplan... really... they are killing this run at bush and badly.. for the love of christmas PICK SOMETHING ELSE to talk about besides how dumb this war is... look i understand how important this is but YOU CANT win here... there will be pro and con where you stand... so dont concentrate on it... pick a stance pro or con on the war... then attack bush on everything else... jobs, health whatever anything BUT the war... i dont think anyone can win this election concentrating on the war... its confusing enough for the voting public. let them chew on something else... stop being nice...too for the love of christmas... attack man... your a war hero do some shooting yourself... stop deflecting and aim to kill... bush is running a much better and focused campaign... and all he is doing is attacking the fact that Kerry is doing anything... sigh IMHO... i call it the clinton backlash.... the dems think they can win this with the laid back campaign clinton seemed to have his 2 terms... uuhh no... different era different times and definitely different mentality...

vanessa carltons new song is awesome... i swear i gotta learn to play the on the piano and my life is complete... (that and another girlfriend. :) btw look up white houses on yahoo music if you want to hear this song....

k thats all for now laterz

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: "get low" by little jon and the eastside boyz

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